Adolescents are abnormal by definition. I firmly believe that God created this stage of development so that when the time comes, parents have the ability to “launch” their offspring into adulthood. Remember how hard it was to drop your 3-year-old off at pre-school? How you tiptoed back to the window to make sure she quit crying after you left? I’m not saying there is no angst in helping your little darling permanently change addresses when the time comes, but having the turmoil of adolescence replaces the trauma with--at the very least—a bit more ambivalence.
We were going through baby and toddler photographs of my 11-year-old last night. She was SO beautiful, innocent, laughing in every shot. She loved nothing more than to put her chubby little hands on both sides of my face and give me a big wet kiss on the mouth. Now a moody “tween”, my same precious girl irritably shrugs off an offhand touch on the shoulder, and my once-hilarious attempts to make her laugh are met with eye rolling and mortification at the thought that one of her friends might notice my antics. But I know our bond is still there, and I’m willing to wait it out.
Step-parenting adolescents ought to come with weekly rewards ceremonies that include prizes and full-day spa passes. Parenting adolescents is hard, but as stepmothers, we don’t have that bond, that history, to fall back on. We only know these beings as the hormonal, private, angry kids they are today---and frankly, they’re not all that likable. It is important that we get into survival mode, and quickly. Here are some tips:
1. “It’s business—not personal”
Taking one of the all-time greatest movie lines (from The Godfather—come on, Ladies!) completely out of context, keep in mind that the hateful words, hurtful actions and avoidance are not personal. The “business” of an adolescent is to break away from her family and identify more strongly with her peer group. That task is exponentially more difficult when the family “foundation”—for her, remember, that’s original mom, dad and sibs living in the same house—resembles a tropical hut after an earthquake. You are an easy target. Your step-adolescent might show her most unlikeable self to her family regardless of the situation, but you are the most expendable family member, not because of any action or personal attribute, but because of your position in her life. It’s not personal!
2. “R-E-S-P-E-C-T…Find out what it means to me”.
Even when we, as superwomen, understand that adolescents are just doing their thing, we do not have to move standards of basic civility in our own households. We tend to go through our lives expecting and receiving a certain level of courtesy, so it can kind of freak us out when the basics go missing. Channel your inner Aretha and take some time to objectify your minimum requirement, then stick to it. It might be “please” and “thank you”, it might be acknowledgement of your presence when you walk in the room, it might be something else. Decide what it is, get your husband on board, and stick to it. Don’t expect your step-adolescent to expound on it, but be satisfied when the standard is met.
3. Quit “should-ing” on yourself. (for the purposes of mild amusement, say this out loud)
As soon as we tell ourselves we “should” feel a certain way, gain a certain level of affection for or from our stepchildren, or have a certain role in our family, we are, by the very definition of “should”, judging ourselves. Try accepting each moment for what it is, pleasant or unpleasant, and move through it. When we try to change our reactions (“I know I shouldn’t feel this way”), that emotion gets stuffed. Imagine a closet that gets so crammed full of junk that you become fearful of opening the door because you know everything will come spilling out. That’s how squashed emotions are, and when that door busts open, you’re left with a roomful of clutter on the day you’re expecting company.
4. Don’t do too much. Make your own choices, then don’t resent them.
When we “should” on ourselves, we not only bury our feelings, we do lots of stuff that we don’t want to do. It is perfectly ok to go to a movie with a friend instead of sitting through your 300th softball game of the season, especially if your step-softball player behaves hatefully towards you before and after the game. You don’t need to do everything a mother needs to do, because you’re not the mother. Every situation is different, and you and your husband can have conversations about what aspects of family life are your responsibility. Stepmothers tend to do more than they really need to because we are determined to prove that we do not fit the fairytale stereotype. If we wind up being angry all the time, it’s not worth it, and it ultimately will wreck our marriage.
5. And….it’s ALL about the marriage!
The most important thing to remember is that you want to make this the LAST marriage for you and your husband. In order to do that, you must take time to honor the relationship. When I have couples in marriage counseling, I treat them as though there are three entities present: the wife, the husband, and this third thing called the “marriage”. Attending to that third thing with quiet time, date nights and appreciation is vital. It might seem paradoxical, but you also need to attend to your marriage by spending time with your GIRLFRIENDS. You MUST have women who are always on your side, can listen to you vent about your husband’s offspring, and will give you top priority and full attention during the time you are together. Your husband cannot be your sole support---these are his children we’re talking about, and it’s not fair to expect him to hear everything on your heart, any more than it is reasonable to expect you to keep those thoughts and feelings to yourself.
Even though it feels like it does, adolescence does not last forever. By keeping a solid sense of your SELF and your marriage, you can get through it. In just a few years, you might be amazed by the lovely 20-something sitting across from you at a family dinner she actually CHOSE to attend.
Brenda Snyder, LCSW has one daughter and has been a residential stepmother of four for 14 years. She is a licensed therapist with 20+ years experience treating depression and anxiety, and special expertise in working with stepfamilies. Call for an appointment at (309) 693-2749.